First Filled and Emptied ....

Is it true that some times you dream so positively for something that it becomes a living reality for you? and then its so dofficult to break it? to come out of it and think and accept otherwise?

Yes this does happen. It happened with me too. I dreamt of something, and i was living it. i was living it the way you now see what i have written here. It was a reality for me, just like the sun rising everyday, just like the image that you would see in the mirror.

And then someone told me that its just a dream, that i ought to wake up. Wake Up? oh c'mon, this is truth. i am here and this is what really it is. what do you mean by "wake up"? you must be nutts.

No, but that person was right. i realised it. and i realised it a hard way.

I realised that i was not living my past. it was also not my future. and It wasnt even the present. It was actually nowhere. Not on this earth at least.

I realised it a hard way, and i also gave that friend of mine a hard time making me realise this. It was tough though. How about me saying "it is ought to happen this way when i was doing so and so...and now that you say it hasnt happen, shall go back or re do the so and so, so that it happens...and i can make sure it happens. because you know, it has to happen that way only. that is what it should be like."

My god, i could have been such a pain. but yes i was. and i am not now. i know and accept i made a fool of myself.

But how do one realises that he/she is getting into some this sort of thoughts? i dont know this. Its true people say that you learn by your mistakes or you learn by your experiences.

all i can say is, hear to what your close well wishers tell you and try not giving them hard time while realising that you are actually becoming a painful dreamer.

:)

Luv

writing something

Tonight i want to write something
i want to pour out my heart in words
Where i can say my deepest fears
Where i can confess everything
Even the things i feel deep inside

I feel like writing something
something on the days i have lived
the nights i have cried through
the sunsets i have endured
And the mornings i have prayed
The deepest desires of my own self

May sound so weird
But i have lost mt own in days
The years i have seen the world
The memories i can recollect
I can see myslef being and becomming what i am
And i can know, this was not me twenty two years back

The past has been in the mind
and i remember it sitting here alone in dark
it gives me pain, happiness, pleasure
and this is what has made me as i am
that one that has created my, evolved me, the today
and i am still finding who i am
And i get no answer from within me

I want to write something
Of the dreams i have seen
of those i have achieved
and those that were broken
And about one deares dream of finding love
Which is yet to be materialised
Will it be broken? will it be the truth?
I dont know and i am waiting

I want to write something
Of the freinds i have had
of thsoe who are still there with me
and more of those who have left me in midst
Of the days we spent togather
Of the talks we still have
Of the promises we could not keep
And the commitments which were never there

I want to write something
Of the places i have been to
Of those i dont like
but i know i remember them too
Of thsoe i loved
and i never wanted to leave
Of those that were mine some day
but not a part of me now
But i still love that place, and i want it back

I feel like writing something
that i remember all bad and ugly too
i remember all good and happy
for all those are the things that have made me
the way i am
but still i feel i have lost myself
lost in the hope of getting something better
lost in struggle of living some more
always giving up myslef for others
and also giving up on others
noone to take me as i am
noone to know me the whole, and still love me
and i wait for the love of mine
to feel to love, and to feel being loved
without strings without conditions
coz i will be me, again and recovered
when the love will embrace me
and find the most beautiful place on earth

Just tonight i felt like writing something
I didnt know what to write
what to say
but something on me, my life, my dreams - JUST ME.

just one of those..........

being so lonely in the crowds
how it feels to know you r alone
when you know a lot of people around you
when you are there in everyones celeberations
and to know you are not improtant to any one of them
that you are never admired for your own presence
that you are just one more count in the group
not for one, not for two, but for everyone
to know that you are just one of those lots many flowers
in the gardens of roses and lillies
and spectacular when so many around
not even one would take you preciously
you are just one of those roads that people pass by
that they know they have passed, then passed and forgotten
you are one of those birds who fly in flocks
not even one is precious to those who see them
but yes, all of them look together really cute
it hurts to know insignificance of your precense
to know that nobody is really looking for you
whatever you do, however you are
you are just one of those many things that happen to one
to just happen, and not rememberd
to just pass by, and never gathered!!!

Tonight the stars are bright
And it is the loveliest night
All smiles are genuine
And all twinkles are shining

Tonight the stars are bright
And heart is pounding high
All the worlds’ happiness is in me
And all the flowers are smelling good

Tonight the stars are bright
And love flows from all sides
All the colours look beautiful
And grass even more cold and moist

Tonight the stars are bright
And shivers are true
All gods are blessing me
And clouds are thundering

Tonight the stars are bright
And it is the perfect night
All the love is true
And I am happy, though late, it’s so nice.

ME AND SADNESS

I don’t know why
But this is what I see
That whenever I am happy
Sadness will follow me
Without a reason without a notice
So abruptly, and so easily
Giving pains and tears to shed
And then it stays with me, longer than anything else
As it is the only true companion I have
And I dislike it so much, still it keeps coming back
With same bad intense depressions
It makes me stay like this for long
But I was not like this forever
But who can now accept me as I am
Deceived, disdained, depressed, alone
That I am little afraid
That I am the one who doubts everything
That I am aloof all the time
That may be I like to be in sadness
And so even more leave me alone
With my forever companion
For they can’t bear the atrocious I say
And I am insulted and thrown out
Out of life, theirs and mine
And I stay looking back
So helpless that I can’t even say a word
Still trying to get back to joy
And shoved out of ways again and again
Then here I am
Again wording my grief
Again trying to overcome my sorrow
Again being lonely between everybody
Again scared, again dreaming
Again expecting, again crying
What will I be now? I don’t know
But this is what I see
That “sadness” is again with me.

Hold me tight as I am so scared
Pat me right as I am trembling
Kiss me please coz I am breaking down
Love me all, coz I am so alone
Make me laugh, as I can’t do it from heart
Make me cry coz I really want to do it loud
But my tears have dried
Make me love, coz I have forgotten this sheer joy
Hush me please when you have listened to all I have to say
Tell me then that you still love me the same way
Know me all, and love me even more
Ask me if I can trust you on that
Take me back to my life which I have left
Pull me to you coz I want you the most today
Coz I love only you, I yearn only you!!

Like I am in a closet
The heart is tight locked
Just feeling inside
If I also had something to be happy about
Something of that sort
That everybody has
That even I could feel happiness in my heart
And happier, happiest forever
To feel what love is
What it is to trust someone I love
But, that’s so distant a feeling
When the whole world has betrayed
When all are looking down
To have a chance to break into pieces
One moment of sheer joy
Brings even more of fears
Of being alone all over again
Of being locked and the key lost.

nothing but a dream

drowned in my own fantasies

so overwhelmed with my dreams

i saw the peak of my happiness

which i was searching for, everywhere.

a sudden thought given to mind

told me its just inside

that i need to hold on and not run too fast

that i should just see the good, and forget my past.

when i woke up from the beauty of life

then only i realised

my dream was just a dream

that my past is never gonna leave

yes my happiness is within me

but i am so dead, i cant see myself smiling

for that happend once

which was dreadful as to make me dead

the one minute joy for someone

had made my life a living hell

i cant live, i cant smile, i cant love

it keeps coming back to me

and i realise that hapiness as far from me

that dreams will never come true

that i will always yearn in my heart

to have someone to love me

to be as i was once

and i relise even more

that dream will never come true

that happiness which i was feeling right now

was nothing but a dream!!!

best thing i could have had

those were the times when i was alone
struggling for the time to fly away
because of the unbearable pains and agony
that time was hurting and pinching
for someone who was so close
who was so dear, was the one whom i had started hating
and i realised its not even easy to hate
it takes an effort to hate the one you love
when he insults you, ignore you...
and so much that you start hating him.
and those were the times when i was blue
when my shoulders seemed so week
when eyes couldn't see so far away to happiness
when my lips couldn't move to speak out and shout
when my heart was not the same courageous
and my hands trembled to even shake hands
and trust was all torn like pieces of paper
those were the times when i needed you
and i know now that i needed you only
for you are the one who gave a new meaning to life
not by giving strength to face all that
but just being with me and forgetting all that
giving me all i wanted at that time
and making me realise that the world is not bad
and taking my hand to love
a true love with no bounding no selfishness
and i realised that dark days are not long enough
a new beginning can make you forget the past darkness
not forever, but dimming the memories
and letting you go ahead with life
and you are that new beginning in my life
and i cannot thank you for it
the word is so small for what you have done
all i can say is that it was the best thing i could have had.

I SCRIBBLED..........

and then there i was standing in front of this huge ocean which can gulp anything which comes in its wayit has lots n lots of fishes in it. ships floating on. isnt my heart the same? it carrier countless emotionsso many memories to feel on. so many feelings. so many poeple that i have loved and there must be few i hate toobut then i think about the life. ocean is endless. it will live forever. will i do? do i have an endless lifei dont have. life is too short. i dont have time to hate poeple. but is it right to suffer in this small life? how can one be comfortable with not suffering? with other poeple doing what they want and me not suffering out of it?i have emotions. i have sentiments attached to everything i own or had owned in my life.i trust a few people. and if those poeple break that trust i will be hurt. and if i am decievedi will find myself hating the person deceiving me. so when i dont have time to hate poeple in short lifewhy do i hate? if i hate someone, is it my mistake? if someoen betrays me, is it my mistake? or should this be taken as granted that in this world, i cannot trust anybosy. so when i will not be trusting naybodyi wont expect them to be true with me. then there is no question of betrayal. but them at the end of the dayi am a human being. i am born to love to hate to cry to laugh. how cannot i do what is my interior qualityif i can love i can hate to. so its prefectly fine if i hate someone. but to what extent? that also depends onthe extent of harm the hurt that has been given to me by that person.and then it depends on person to person.i am not able to qulify anything. to categorise anything. these are the comlex emotions. words fall short to explain thisjust as if you say you love your mother you really cant put in words how much you love her. it will be wrong to say that i love myself more than anyone else. then why i cry when someone hurts me. its that person who should cry. complexity is growing

THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

i am the wind you can feel
i am the scent you can smell
i am a woman who dreams
i am a girl who wants to be loved
i am a daughter you wants to be pampered
i am a mother who wants to sacrifice
i am a lover who can give all to love
i am a sister who wants to be protected
i am a wife who wants to own
i am a shadow thats with you always
i am a thought that brings smile
i am the pain that brings tears
i am the plant who cannot express
i am one moment which will vanish in next second
i am that wave which has come to shore
i am the ocean you can sail on
i am that heart which may skip a beat
i am a human figure which gets hurt
i am a dream that can break into pieces
i am that wish that will come true
i am that smile which will make you happy
i am that tear that you will catch
i am that memory you wont like to lose
i am that love you have always dreamed of
i am the one and only
the girl next door.

I DONT LOVE ANYMORE

i dont love any more
i had been cared
i had been loved
i have loved to all extents
i have been ignored
i have been passed
i have been betrayed
i have been mistaken
i have been misunderstood
i have taken nothing to be love
i have guessed everyone wrong
i have expectedi have loved
and now
i dont love any more

"LIFE IN GENERAL"

INSTANCES

Everyday we meet so many people. But why only a few are the ones we talk to? And again from those few, we are friends with another few…and we love even fewer? Is it something to do with the level of interaction with the people? Or is it just something superficial, like written in destiny that we are very close to only those people with whom we are supposed to be?

But in any sense, with each second we spend alive, we come across instances. Some seem insignificant, some even change our lives. Some make us happy some sad. But human mind cannot forget what it has captured ones. Mind is like software; you can access the data feeded even 50yrs back. And even if you delete the data (or presume you have deleted it, something like when people say I will forget you, or I never remember you), you will get new software, which will again help you retrieve the data. Like a new instance that make us remember the old one.

In my life I have met a lot of people. Few are my friends, and few I have loved. Few are very close to me. Some have hurt me a lot and some people are there whom I can never forget. There are certain instances, which I always remember. One of my friends is this crazy guy…who seems to be irritating when you first see him, but actually he is not. I was moving to Chandigarh from Delhi for a couple of days. It was very early morning when I came out of the house with bags. I saw him coming from a distance. He said he just want to say a bye to me, then he said he would drop me till rickshaw. Then near the rik he said he will drop me till metro station, then till isbt and then when we were sitting in the bus, I just said that I have never traveled long distance with any friend in my life…he suddenly got up and took a ticket for chandigarh…he went to chandigarh with me and came back the same day. Whenever I think of him I remember this incidence.

Another time, when I stood first in bcom second yr, we were having a party at noodles, my flat mates, and my roommate was literarily or physically absent from it. I didn’t know what she was doing. When we came back she vanished. We were all waiting for her to come back. And she returned with a cake on which it was written CONGRATULATIONS. I was so damn happy that I couldn’t even react properly. This was the first time I had received any surprise from my friends. I still remember that day. And also when I had an exam and in the morning she made magi for me. And whenever I used to leave Delhi while coming to me home, she will send a one cute little sms after half n hr or so. The sms used to be “I am missing you”. That’s it. And I know it really meant that she is missing me.

Once when one of my friends was having an interview I was sitting outside with another friend, eventually my friends brother only. I was listening to walkman and my battery retired. I was a bit upset about it. Some time after it, we went to convino-mall road petrol pomp’s super market sort of. When we came back, we were just sitting and I remembered that I had to take new cells for the walkie. And he gave me two of them. He had purchased them for me without even saying it, remembering that I had got my cells retired. It was very thoughtful of him. I still remember this one.

These are some of the good instances that I remember. There are bad ones also. My this friend was getting admitted to his dream college, in my state only. I was more than happy about it. And I was wishing that he would come to my home also. But unfortunately he never even called me up and ones when I called him up he never was picking up my phone. That was the time when I last tried calling him up. And then I see such stone hearted people talking about the fears in life, fearing of losing the loved ones. It simply makes me laugh.

There are some instances, which make you love one person. Some will make you hate that person. You will never remember even a single good instance with him, though you have spent hell lot of time with them. I also have experienced this. This person at one point of time the most dearest to me. Now I don’t want to even recall that I had even met him. But as I said, mind is like a computer, I keep on remembering that I had been so much sincere with these two people who ere using me, and now when they do not need me, they don’t even care to talk. It happens with almost everybody in life. At some point of time you get so much hurt, even then you keep on thinking about the same thing.
But happy past instances make us happy always. And everybody feels bad about the bad ones. Good or bad, some instances do touch our heart. And you can never leave that aside. You can never forget it. Well some other INSTANCES will not let you forget them. That’s like a vicious circle. You will get back to your past one way or the other.

OOH....BUDGET ARRIVING

Budget 2007

WOW!!! The time has again arrived and everybody is waiting for budget 2007. A lot of speculations and rumors. Rumors like 10(10)(d) will not be there any more. 80CCC will be back with a blast. Anand Mahindra, M&M, says that excise on all vehicles should be reduced because auto industry has proved itself as “multiplier of economic wealth”. Kumar Mangalam Birla, chairman at Aditya Birla Group, says "We look forward to the fact that the reforms process will be continued and any simplification, any duty reversal that has happened by chance inadvertently should be corrected.". Regarded as the backbone of the Indian economy, small and medium enterprises finally seem to be getting their due. The government has shown intent to give them push and banks appear to be bending over backwards to provide them much needed finance, but is this enough? What do SMEs expect Finance Minister, P Chidambaram in this year’s Budget? Shreyas K Doshi, Managing Director of Shrenuj & Company, expects 0% duty, which can make India a jewellery hub!!! Nandan Nilekani, CEO at Infosys says, "I think health, education and infrastructure are the key priorities."

What will impact the producers???Will this year be better for the consumers??? How will the direct taxes effect the whole economy this year?? AND how will the income tax look??? Will the tax brackets be revised again?? Will railway budget again show profits???

So much of suspense. I think, this time is the best time in the whole year. Be it train, bus or any place, everbody is talking about the budget. People have started investing to gain from the previous budget. Some are waiting for the new budget to be declared. We are all waiting for the day, 28th feb to come and declaration of result by respected finance minister P. Chidambaram.

Lets see how it all turns out to be. ALL THE VERY BEST.!!!!!!

"The" Black Friday

BLACK FRIDAY @ WIDE ANGLE

This was first movie at wide angle, Ahmedabad. As usual I rarely change my theatres, in Delhi it was satyam, Ankleshwar it’s been rang, Baroda its inox and Ahmedabad its fun republic. All things apart, I actually was very willing to get a look at wide angle, so I was there on Saturday night to get ticket advance booked for Sunday show of traffic signal…I love madhur bhandarkar…and my eyes went on the poster of black Friday. Wow!!1 two years of wait….and now its finally on screen. I took tickets for 2230 show and went in full of eatables (I was damn hungry), a coke, samosa, chocolate an popcorn……

Movie started of with the first blast at Dalal Street mumbai..threatening. the whole show was full of flash backs and also some real clippings. It was like witnessing the threatening 1993 mumbai blasts once again. The real clippings of babri masjid demolition, the aftermath of the 11 blasts and the 12th blast which could not happen. It was fine direction for a documentary (or a film). Actors were simply superb. K.K Menon was the inspector in charge for the case. Tiger Memon was nicely put up on the screen and the most attracting actor in the whole movie was Daud Abraham……awesome….simply awesome…he was shockingly resembling daud…atleast for those people who have never seen him in person….don’t know how many have seen him in front…but what I know from the news and other books, its like daud is very calm on face…you will never know what is going behind his sunglasses. The movie did not convey any lesson or any message, but the reality. That’s the movie about.

But yes it induced me to think once again about the blasts. Was it just a hindu-muslim fight? Or it was all political? The people who were responsible for the blasts, they think that whatever they have done was in favour of their “kaum” as they have faced brutal crimes at the time of riots and masjid demolition. But was it all right to blast off mumbai for the revenge? Well as the saying goes “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth” !
Not only our country, but the whole world was shocked by this brutal act. It was so very devastating. It spoiled the life of thousands and thousands of Indians. It destroyed the national properties. It was a sheer game of brain to plan out the blasts…the mastermind is still absconding. Memon family has been sentenced to death. 43 accused in all have got the death sentence. 100 out of 122 people who have been arrested, have been proved guilty. Daud is obviously out of reach. Can it be said that the government has lost the opportunity to arrest daud atleast once when he was ready to surrender (he called up ram jeth malani, and said he was ready to surrender as he did not want his name to be associated with the blasts but only in case he is granted bail as soon as possible and that he may remain house arrested but not in jail.) but will the arrests of the 100 people, and their sentences (that too after 14 years) help the cause of eradicating such brilliant minded crimes? Tiger memon is still not in reach of the police, he was the master mind!!!!

Will all this ever end? Mumbai again suffered the same brutality in 2006 with three blasts in the back bone of the city. Parliament was attacked. Konkan railways were burnt. Jammu Kashmir is still in threat. These are separate cases…but can we really, on every ground…distinguish them?
Such acts of terrorism from any strata of the society will create hue and cry in the country. Not only in India, no country has been spared of this. Be it US, UK, France….any country. Can we really find a root for this? I don’t think we can. Every act has a reason behind it, and every reason has another reason behind it. It is all backed on our history. History, the past, for how long? Nobody can even guess.